Interviewer: What brings you to the Oak Lawn Leaf as the media critic, Mr. Sporta?
Seth Sporta: My passion is sports. I thought I was pretty good at it. Reporting that is not playing. But while I was using the typewriter, time passed me by and newspapers gave way to disgusting online news organizations and everything is computerized.
Interviewer: You should probably understand that we don’t have a job for a sports writer. Oh, and we don’t print a newspaper. Everything is online and immediate.
Seth Sporta: I hate you already. Can’t we go back to printing a huge paper with black ink and we can put my photo in it?
Interviewer: No but we’ll try to go slow so you feel at home. You said your passion is sports, what is your background?
Seth Sporta: By training, I’m a sports reporter. I’ve covered minor league baseball, girls softball games, high school basketball. You know, all the important news. I don’t know much about government, elections, finance or the so called pocket book issues.
Inteviewer: We don’t really have a sports section.
Seth Sporta: So, you’re one of those good government sites always going after corruption? I mean, how many times can you beat the same horses? Yes, we know the mayor makes bad decisions and has crooked advisers. The city manager is bad at his job and fights with employees. Some trustees are brainless and think more about politics that policy. The mayor and her boys give out no bid contracts. The manager should have been fired for leaving the scene of his accident. Some trustees are under the spell of a former Trustee and don’t want to work together. The administration won’t admit that the 911 outsourcing was a huge mistake. They are ignoring increasing crime. They hide records from the public and even other Trustees. The mayor is bad, the trustees are bad. My head hurts just saying it. Let’s talk real issues like who owns your site. I know it’s owned by a company just like every other news organization I “worked” at but that just makes you like everyone else. I want to know more or I’ll sumo wrestle you. That’s me up there at the top of the page in the giant diaper. Don’t I look sporty?
Inteviewer: So should we just allow corruption and incompetence to flourish while we sit around writing about high school sports, people with our own last names, or other tidbits of nonsensical information?
Seth Sporta: Yes. I wasn’t any good in government civics class and I just don’t understand half the stuff you guys write about. People want to know about the Sporta Name not whether the Manager is giving no bid contracts to friends or whether someone was drunk when they drove a village car into a ditch. Wake up!
Interviewer: Well haven’t you ever written a story with substance? Didn’t you go after some blog you called junior and implied it was run by Mayor Bury and her band of followers?
Seth Sporta: Actually, I admitted that I had a “guffaw” when the blog made fun of mental illness because that’s funny. Actually using the word “guffaw” is even funny. I’m hilarious. I wonder if I have written about the 12 songs of Christmas yet. Excuse me, the 12 holiday songs that really are cool.
Interviewer: You’ll have to stop that if you are going to work for us. Mental illness affects not only the individual but the families of those individuals. Mental illness is a serious issue and not something to laugh about. You have to go after people that call others a “wackadoo” not laugh like a school girl.
Seth Sporta: But I thought I was clever laughing at that stuff. I almost laughed so hard my diaper had to be changed when I heard about the former Trustee crying his eyes out at Palermo’s.
Interviewer: Did you know the blog you so “cleverly” called junior also attacked women calling one elected official a word that means female dog?
Seth Sporta: Maybe I’m a “wackadoo”. But that one nice Trustee made such a nice speech about the hard work we do as journalists. I guess he is a fool because I don’t work hard at all.
Interviewer: It seems like you attacked us for writing with facts and attaching evidence because it made your brain hurt and then lumped us in with a political blog that calls female elected officials “b…ch”. Is it too late to fire you?
Seth Sporta: I get paid whether I write one column or ten in a week. I can’t write ten in a week and still get my 80 hours of sleep but you know what I’m saying.
Interviewer: Do you have any advice for us as you review our content?
Seth Sporta: Don’t write so many stories. I’ve been in this business for many years kid and I can tell you that some things will never change. What I like to do is write about one story or editorial a week and for the rest of the week I sit around and complain about everyone else. I’ve probably taken some unwarranted shots at you. Mostly to keep in you in line because, dog gone it I’m a little jealous that you have sources and I’ve had to resort to writing about someone with the same last name as me. You know that kid I wrote about was even in the national media on a blog. Boy that would be great to make it to the big time and put my feet up on the ESPN desk.
Interviewer: I hate to ask, but is that all of your advice?
Seth Sporta: No. Never ever admit when you are wrong. If someone catches you writing a story where facts are wrong and calls you on it just attack them harder and call them names. Someday you’ll make editor.
Interviewer: That’s unethical!
Seth Sporta: I know but I never liked journalism lessons. Now get out of here so I can take my week long siesta. I have another column to write next week. Maybe I’ll write about the ten best stories of the year or the ten places I thought about sleeping in the office.
Interviewer: We’ll see. You seem awful impressed with yourself. I think I understand you perfectly now.